Chimes, Doorbell, and Buzzer
by IamTheAlleyCat
Summary: Worst Story Ever contest entry. Pure Crackfic. NM AU. "I suck at summeries. Please read!1 Bella & Alice go to Italy & they safe Edward. And then There's ORANGE!, U gotta read it! and review I LUVs reviewz."


_**SUMMARY:** NM AU. I'm no god with summeries. Please read! I promise it's good! And review! I LUV reviews! It's like, this girl, named Bella, whose like THE GREATEST ROLE MODEL I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, and she jumps from cliffs. And jake is there to Safe her. Then Alice comes and Edward sinks that Bella is ded. And then Bella and alice go to Italy and they safe Edward. Oh. There's also, Lemon! I promise. And Jack is good. And Paul too! PLEASE r&R_

_**DISCLAIMER:** I not to mown anything. SM does. I just play with Edward becoz his sooooo hawt._

_**AN****: I want to them to my PREREADER my best friend in the hole world, I tots love her to pieces. I luvs you so much! The-girl-with-the-stoopidest-pen-name-ever-that's-two-long-and-never-spelled-write**_

_**I tied to get this betaed but, PTB=projects teem beta, rejected this story, so I had to use some1 else.**_

_**And to the best BETA in the world another-fangril-who-knows-more-chinese-than-engrish-but-calls-her-sefl-a-beta!**_

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><p><strong>Chimes, Doorbell, and Buzzer<strong>

Bella was so, tiered she was exhaust pipe. She felt as thought she took a bathing in the ocean, which was not to far from the trout, considerate she jumped from cliffs in La Push and Jabot had. To pull her out of waters.

Jake taken her to home his, were she changed cloths to his tee-shit and a poor of boxers, and know he was baking her home in his trunk.

Bella was knee-deep in thought. She was sinking about all off the thyme that had passed sense _HE_ leaved. It was steel so, pain-filled to sink about him. In fact, it was so, pain-filled that, Bella could not even sink he's name.

Sense when did, I became such a pussy?

Bella stairs out of the windows and her mind is wenting backpack to that day in the weeds.

"_Your human,_" he stated, "_you're memory is no more than a sieve. Time heels all wounds four you're kind._"

_What write did he has to tell me this?_

Bella becamed very angry. She was not a poppet! She was a humane being!

_Shoed I let him just wok all over me? I sought I was stronger then dat!_

As the trunk leaved the reservation and inserted into Forks, Bella's soughts turn more angrier.

_That deed-walking corpse leaved me, and I just let him wok all over me. I becamed a deed-walking corpse like him, and not in the way I wanted two!_

Bella was so, mad that everything turned pink. She didn't even notice that Jake stopped the trunk and that they were sparking in her driveway.

"Chimes, we're hear." Jake's vice aroused her from he thoughts.

"Oh" Bella scouted around herself and suddenly her pupils focused on a car post-it on the other side of the street. She new this car. It was a Mercedes something. There was only one family rich enough to be diving this car. _The Cullens_.

Suddenly, Jake began shaking like a vibrator. Bella fined it very arousing, but she was worried, because he didn't seem to enjoy the vibrator so much. Maybe he is putting it in the wrong place? she thought.

"What is it, Joke" she asked him?

"Bloodsucker."

"Yeah, I know. It says "Dr. Fang" on the silence plate." Bella shrugged.

Jake turned to look at the car and saw what she mend. "You're right, Doorbell." He frowned. "What is the tick-doctor doing here?"

"Tick-doctor, Jake, really" Bella giggled? "Maybe his here to take care of a dog."

Jake rolled her eyes at her, but when Bella tried to exit the trunk, he stooped her. "Chimes, I wouldn't be capable to defend you with a parasite in the home. I'm only able to defend you on our home carpet."

"I will be fine, Joke. Carlisle won't hunt me," Bella insisted.

"I'm going in you, Doorbell, just in case."

"Fine." Buffy huffed.

~CDB~

When the two opened the front boar, the house was lightless. Bella searched for the light swatch when suddenly, they came up.

"Boo!" Jake called behind her, and Bella jumped in her place.

"Don't do that, Jake!"

"Bella" It was a voice Alice didn't hear since Edward left her?

"Alice?" Bella asked? "What are you doing here? Sense when does Carlisle lets you dive his car?"

"Would you link to tell me how you're a life?" Alice demanded!

It took a moment for Bella to understand what Alice meant. "You saw me jump..."

"No, I saw you FALL! No, wait, yeas, I saw you jump. Why did you jump Bella?"

"Because she's hot" Jake answered as if it was oblivious.

"Thank you, Jake. I think you're, hot two." Bella smiled at him.

"Bella? What is wrong with you?" Alice asked?

"Lots of things," Jake giggles.

Buffy smacked him on his shoulder and pissed in pain. "That's not very nice, Jake. Especially after I said you're was hot."

"Oh come one Buzzer, you know I'm only kidding you."

Eyes rolled her Bella. And turned to Alice: "I guess you come to sea if I killed myself. Well I didn't. So, you can go back and tell everyone I'm just fine."

"Bella? Why are you acting like this?" Alice cried.

"She's not acting, Tick," Jake sad. "She really doesn't give a flying anti-lope about you."

"Is that true, Bella?"

"Pretty much." Bella shrugged. "I decided that if you didn't want me in your life, than I don't want you in my life."

"But we do went you!" Alice cold. "We love you very!"

"But you left!" Bella screeched. "You goodbye, not even said!"

"Chimes, honey, slow down." Jake placed a hand on Bella's boulder. "You know how you bewilder words when you're anxiety."

Bella sighed. "Your write, Jake."

"Bella, what can I do four you to absolve me?" Alice asked.

"I'd say you can die," Jake piped in. "But I guess sense your already deed, it's kind a of pointless."

Alice ignorated him. She looked at he friend with tears in he eyes. They were venom tears because everyone knows that vampires can't really cry, but she was so, sad that her friend was being men that I really wanted to shoe everyone how sad she is.

"Can you ever find it in your heart to forgive me?" Alice asked with trembowling limps. She pouted at Bella, begging with her eyes to forgiver.

"You know I can't sit that pout, Alice." Bella signed. "I forgive you."

"What?" Jake yelled. "How can you forgive the tick so, early?"

"She's my friend Jake."

"But I'm you're friend tooo!"

"Yes, but Alice don't want to play fetch four hours."

It was Jakes turn to pout. "Fine, if this is the side you Chose...I have to except." He turned the door. "Don't die, Chimes."

"I will do my best." Bella smiled at him and said genitally. "Don't run after parked cars, Jake. They hurt when they Hit you."

"I will do my best." Jake promised and left-right away.

~CDB~

It didn't take long for Alice and Bella to become friends again. Alice stayed the night and made braids on Bella's head, and Bella pretended to enjoy because that was friends do, write?

Charlie came once, but it was loud enough to scare both girls and they didn't leaf the room until he was out of the home.

Around nun, Jake stopped by. Bella saw That his hand was hurt.

"Why is your hand hurt, Jake?"

Jake flushed, the toilet, and said, "I used it, two Much."

"What did you do" she asked?

Alice began to laugh.

"Nothing." Jake grumbled.

Then it broke dawn on Bella **(See? I'm using an illusion, eh, elusion, to Cannon here)**, and she started to peel in laughter.

"Oh, come on! It's not fire, Bells." Jake pouted. "You now that Leah took out a restraining order on me, I have not one body to touch, a man's gotta doe what a man's gotta doe."

"Why didn't you ask Paul? I'm sure he would of mind to take care of your little problem." Bella asked.

Alice continued to peel in laughter. She was laughtering so, hard that she was almost peeing in her panties but sins she was a vampire she didn't pee.

"Paul is with Jared. He not play with me anymore." Jake was sad. He didn't like when he's friend didn't play with him. He had to play with himself and it was not as good.

"Well, then Paul is being a pussy, and we know that you don't like pussies." Bella smiled. "Why don't you order us pizza, Joke? You'll feel munch better with **Chew** in your gut."

Jake wacked to the phone, and just than the phone ringed. "Hello?" Jake answered. He lisened for a fuel minutes, and then said, "no, his not around." Another pause. "His in the funeral." Jake hanged the phone upward and cursed. "Stupid blood-Tick."

"Jabot Black" Bella cold! "Do not course in my home!"

"I'm sorry, Chimes." Jake had the decadency to look sheepish.

"Whom was it on the other hand of the line?"

"It was Doctor Tick." Jake made a face.

"Carlisle" Bella jumped on her feat? "What did he want?"

Before Jake could answered, Alice screamed: **"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!1"**

"Alice? What's wrong" Bella was quickie by her side?

"It was not Carlisle on the phone. It was Edward." Alice Cried.

"Are you calling me a, liar leach" Jake roared?

Alice ignorated him. "Bella, he's going to the Vultures."

"Um, the Vultures? I didn't know you guys are birds." Bella scratched her head, trying to understand what Alice meant.

"He's going to Italy" Alice shouted!

"Oh, why didn't you say so, in the first place" Buffy shouted and ran upstairs to pack her beg? Since this is, Bella we're talking, about she fell on the Way, stumbled over her un-tied shoelaces, and then smashed against Jake, almost breaking her nose. But sense a broken knows will stop her from going to save Edward, so, I she didn't break it, just made it all bloody, and icky.

~CDB~

"Doorbell, don't go!" Jake begged, hanging on the moving car as Alice speed across the highroad. "Stay!" He bugged. "I can keep you worm at night, and Paul promised not to pee on you again. Please, Buzzer, don't go to the Italian ticks!"

"Joke, you don't understand. He's my WIFE! I can't leave without Him, and I won't let him Kill himself out of guild!"

"Are you sure it's, not Paul?"

Bella rolled her eyes. "It's Edward! I don't care about Paul, okay, so, the peeing was disgusting, but I forgive him a long time ago. Please, Jake, let me go."

"I's not sure I can," Jake said.

"Of course you can. I'm not roped to you." Bella was con fused.

"That's not what I meaned." Jabot said. "Can you spot the car? I can't let go."

"Of course you can, mutt." Alice kissed. "It's not like if you get run over you can't pick yourself up and heal."

"Alice!" Bella shouted. "Stop it. I'm Switzerland, no fighting! We aren't warriors" she thought about it for a second and then added: "But I'm sure Alice could come up with some cute uniforms for you. Hum, Chief Jacop." Bella mused.

"Purple would look good on him," Alice agreed, seeing what Bella had decided. "and some Pink, two"

"Purple?" Jake was so, socked he forgot that he was holding on to the car and let go. He rolled like a dog on the highway. Luckily because he's a wolve, he wasn't Hurt too bad. By the time Bella and Alice get back from Italy he would be as good as knew. I promise.

~CDB~

"Bella, running is slower than fliying, and I'm not **Jesus**, I can't run on water." Alice did not like Bella bouncing like a dog with rabbis in her seat. They where on the plain to Italy just above the Atlantic ocean, and Alice was trying to sea what Edward would decided. He was changing his minds so, often that Alice's head spun in her mind. She new that he wants to go to Aro the evil Volturi leader, but he seemed to be having trouble Getting a direct flight there. They, where low on plains in Brazil, because there was a storm and all of their paper plains were melted.

"He is still in Brazil, but he will be in Italy when we land." Alice said after, another hour of Bella bouncing likes a bunny and the stewardess asking if Alice kneaded pillows.

"Will we make it in time?" Bella asked, biting the last Of her nails away.

"We will intercept him in a dark alley on the way." Alice looked into the vision and saw that Bella and Edward will meat soon while she will be getting a new Yellow Porsche.

~CDB~

"How did you slip Bella" Alice asked?

"I think I must've hit my head." Bella replied. "Because it hurts. But I, think (therefore) I am, OK."

Alice hides a smile. Bella was always so, clumsy that she would never know that Alice gave her the slight knock on her head. Without Jasper to calm the jumping Bella, Alice felt she was about to go insane. You can't blame her for wanting some piece and quite.

"Good. Now come." (Alice commanded.)

Bella followed Alice like the good stupid lamb that she Were, her sick masochistic lion, was out there and needed to be safed.

Alice got her Yellow Porsche **(AN pic on my profile. You have to c!) **and Took Bella to Volterra. She knew that she kneaded to get Bella two Edward, and she had to do eat before Edward make it to the Volturi brothers or it would of been too late. It was a tight feat and, Alice had to bride a guard to get the yellow car in Volterra, but they May'd it.

Bella made a spectacular performance when she ran in slow-mo to safe Edward. It was really amazing. The clock was making a lot of noise, saying it was twelve o'clock, and Edward was closing his eyes because he was hopping for death to bring him back to his loved one.

As soon as Edward opened his eyes, he was amazed.

"Amazing," he said, his exquisite voice full of wonder, slightly amused. "Carlisle was right."

He seemed bemused. His hand brushed softly against my cheek. He didn't appear to notice

that I was trying to force him back. I could have been pushing against the alley walls for all

the progress I was making. The clock tolled, but he didn't react.

"I can't believe how quick it was. I didn't feel a thing—they're very good," he mused, closing

his eyes again and pressing his lips against my hair. His voice was like honey and velvet.

Bella stilled smelled, and he frowned for a moment.

"You smell just exactly the same as always," he went on. "So, maybe this _is_

hell. I don't care. I'll take it.

He pooled Bella deeper into the alley; engorging everything that were around him; and started kissing her like he never kissed her before. Bella did not care about anything anymore. Edward was their and he was kissing, her in the way she wanted him to kiss her, and he never did.

She gasped when his tongue touched her lips and he took the opportunity to plunge it into her mouth. There appeared to be apart of his mind that knew to be careful, new to keep her tongue a way. Bella moaned his name and her hands held his shoulders as she struggled to wrap her mind a round what was going on.

Taking this as a good sign, Edward quickly rid her of her clothes. He needed to touch her, _and there was nothing to stop him anymore_. He lowered his head to her neck, allowing her to catch her breathe and whispered. "I love you Bella I love you sooooo much."

"I love you to Edward." Bella answered, moaning when his hands cupped her boobs.

Some part of Edward seemed to remember to bee genital with Bella, and to keep, he's teeth away. When he kissed her, nibbles on her skin, he knows that he never felt something so, soft. He loved hearing the noses she made when he caressed her, how she mowed when his fingers touched her between her legs.

"I need you so, munch." Buffy whispered when he pushed her to the warm tiles of the brick wall behind her. She couldn't think about anything other than having him inside her. She wanted him so, much, missed him so, much, dreamed about him so, much, desired him so, much, and she couldn't wait for him to make her he's. "Oh. God. I need you inside me. now"

He lifted her legs and wrapped them around his naked waste. "Are you ready" His beautiful golden eyes pierced her brown chocolate orbs and she melted in his gaze?

She nodded. Unable to speak; he was so, breathtaking. Edward buried his nose in the crook of her neck at the same time, as he buried his body inside hers. He was in heaven. He could smell her blood and it was very sweet smelling especially, combined with the sent of the honey that flew from between her thighs.

Bella hissed in pain and a tear fell from her eyes. But she didn't let go off Edward. He started to lick her neck, while keeping his body firmly inside her, but not moving. The coolness of his body inside hers was better than an icepack on a sore muscle.

After a few moments the pain was gone and, Bella made a small movement with her hips to show Edward that he can move. "Please..."

Edward began to move. He was almost beyond lost. She was so, warm, so, hot. He never wanted to stop.

"Faster." she bagged. "Please. I need you too fuck me"!

He moved faster. Pumping in and out at almost vampire speed, he moaned her name. "You feel so, good...oh god...Bella! You're so tight and I love how you wrap around my duck"

Arching into him, "Yes, Edward! Ohmygod...I'm so, close. Yesssss...oh yesssssss..."

She didn't know where she was close to. But she wanted to get there. It felt so, good.

"Yes, baby. Let com. Come for me!" he could feel her starting to convulse around him, _"yes, come_"!

Bella screamed his name, he grunted into her neck as they both fell over, the edge and into heavens gates.

~CDB~

Alice wished she could have invented a brain-bleach! Seeing her brother and her new sister going at like bunnies was not something she ever wanted to see again. She was happy for the opportunity to shop though, because she saw that Edward wasn't very patient with Bella's clothes.

Alice was thankful that Volterra was in Italy and not somewhere else in the world. Italy was just the best place for designer clothes. She even met Madonna there—and talked her out of buying a truly hideous orange sweater. Whoever said that orange was the new pink was seriously deranged!

Alice picked out a blue dress for Bella. **You know why! **Edward just loves Bella in blue. Thinking about that triggered yet another vision Alice had to bleach her mind from. Yes, Edward is definitely going to like it.

Alice danced into the small courtyard where Bella and Edward were just recovering from round four—or was it round five? Bella couldn't remember—and she knew that if she didn't stop them they'll be going at it for several more hours.

"Edward, you're not, dead but you, _are_, going to make Bella sick if you two don't get dressed."

Edward was barely aware that Alice had spoken at first but then, he realized that Bella was shaking. And then Alice's words penetrated his mind like a raking ball.

He looked at Bella, "I'm not dad?"

She shook her head, "and not me, too."

"Why didn't you say something before?" realizing what Had just happened, "I could have hurt you"!

"But you didn't" she spoke calmly and Edward looked at her and saw that she really wasn't hurt; "I didn't hurt you?"

"Nope." He sighed. He thought that there must be something that knew instinctively that Bella was breakable.

"Lets go home." Alice handed the bag she was caring to Bella. You better get dressed, though,."

Bella blushed like a tomato. She forgot she was naked. Edward moved to hide her. "We will be right with you Alice."

"Oh I'm not, going anywhere. You two will be worst than Rosalie and Emmett.

Bella blushed again.

They dressed quickly.

"Now lets, get out of here. I don't want the Volturi—"

"I know Alice." Edward fawned. "I don't want to too." He finished buttoning his shirt, "Bella- this is not the way I thought I'd do it but, I feel that, I can't, wait any longer. Will you marry Me?"

"Yes!"

"Wait!" a voice came behind them. They looked

to the side and saw a silver spaceship that landed in the middle of the courtyard (I made it big enough for the spaceship to land). Then a big guy with weird

looking ears and nose walks over to the twilight characters. "I need your help in out

home planet."

Bella looked at Alice, who luked at Edward, who was staring at the weird dude, who was looking at Bella, who was still looking at Bella. "Who are you and what do

you want? I won't let you have my Edward!" Bella stepped before Edward protecting, him.

"Oh, we don't want, him." The weird dude said. "we want you."

Bella was flattened. It was nice to feel wanted.

"Bring the boy." The mas said. "He's pretty.

And if he, makes you happy, than we want him to cum with you."

"Edward, it's okay. Ive seen it!" Alice smiled.

And all three of them, and the weird dude from

Star Wars that I don't know his name, went to the space ship and flew off earth.

_**. T h e – E n d .**_

_**Or is it ?**_

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><p><em>Before you panic and think that zombies took over my FFn profile, let me calm you down: this is my entry for the "Worst Story Ever" contest held by JaspersDestiny (who also happens to beta my current WIP: "To Love My Enemy"). There's no official disclaimer on the top because if someone's dumb enough to think SM could produce something like this, it means that dude, you've got issues!<em>

_"To Love My Enemy" will be back on Jan 20th (this Friday). Until then, thank you for reading!  
>Alley Cat.<br>_


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